Break the Bingo contest entry

I decided to have a go at the challenge of this contest  bikiniarmorbattledamage.tumblr…  

What makes it tricky is that some of the items are contradictory. Let's see if my attempt to mash some items into something with properties of all will make it count as being all of them.

I actually tried to even make the armor look kind of cool despite, you know, being completely pointless for its purpose. It could be nice for, ahem, live action roleplay, ahem, wink wink nudge nudge, though  

Yes, that behind her is her male colleague pretending to be the polar bear cavalry on his mount (they're in a mmo/rpg, right? they need mounts!).